Christmas is that time of year when we talk about
giving to others less fortunate, goodwill to others, peace on earth, and then
trample strangers in Wal-Mart for that last toy on the shelf that your kid will
be bored with in an hour. Hollywood has tried to divert us from that trend by offering tons of movies each year about “the real meaning of Christmas,” which is either about
estranged family members coming together, or how the solemn curmudgeon really
has a heart of gold, or kids trying to get their divorced family members together,
or how it’s the time of for miracles. There’s also the latest variation of A Christmas Carol. And there are those
who actually say it’s about the birth of Jesus.
But what if you’re tired of the usual Christmas
fare? Maybe (gasp!) you don’t even like Christmas. What can you do? Embrace
your inner Scrooge, cry “Bah Humbug!” and try watching one of these Christmas
movies for people who hate Christmas listed in no particular order.
1.
Lethal Weapon
Brenda
Lee’s “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” plays over the opening credits as we
see the L.A. cityscape at night. Then a half-naked woman jumps to her death and
we’re on the way to meet family man Murtaugh and burned out Riggs for the first
time. This film launched the successful franchise, and features a climactic
bare-hands showdown between Mel Gibson and Gary Busey back when both were not
train wrecks. But the Christmas setting takes a backseat to all the 80s buddy
cop action giving us the chance to witness the glory of a time when cell phones
still came in portable bags.
2.
Die Hard
After
Warner Brothers' success with Lethal
Weapon in 1987, Twentieth Century Fox just the next year released this
classic action story about… okay, with four sequels everyone knows what Die
Hard is about. And yes, it’s set at Christmas (also in Los Angeles). Instead of
showcasing Brenda Lee, Bruce Willis arrives at the Nakatomi Building listening
to Run-D.M.C.’s “Christmas in Hollis” (a great Christmas song for people who
don’t like Christmas songs, but that’s another story). There’s plenty of action
and humor in the original flick including Argyle the limo-driver’s last line:
“If this is their idea of Christmas, I gotta be here for New Year’s!”
3.
Friday After Next
Craig and Day Day (Ice Cube and
Mike Epps) are back in this funny sequel to Next
Friday. This time they have their own place and have jobs as mall security
guards. When a burglar dressed as Santa Claus robs them on Christmas Eve they
are determined to catch the criminal and get their stolen property (mainly
their weed). Needless to say, hilarious hijinks ensue. The movie has a
wonderful supporting cast including Terry Crews (The Expendables franchise,
Brooklyn Nine-Nine) as an overly affectionate newly-released ex-con; Katt
Williams as Money Mike, a pimp-ish store owner; and John Witherspoon, who
returns for as Mr. Jones, who helps his brother make barbeque so good it makes
you wanna slap your mama.
4.
Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)
Okay,
this movie really isn’t that good. The most notorious thing about it is that TV
ads for the film were pulled and parents protested outside movie theaters until
the film was pulled after only two weeks. Why? Because the murderer was dressed
like Santa Claus. The TV ads featured Saint Nick with an ax and that was just
too much for some folks. Sure if the killer had a white-painted rubber William
Shatner mask or a hockey mask, that was okay, but they drew the line at Santa.
Yes, things have changed a lot in 30 years. The movie is about a boy left
orphaned after a man dressed as Santa Claus kills his parents. He is put in an
orphanage and snaps so he dresses as Santa Claus and kills people. Strangely, the movie went on to produce a few sequels.
5.
Silent Night (2012)
This
killer-at-large-during-Christmas movie is actually pretty good, especially if you
like low-budget horror films and Malcolm McDowell.
The story is very familiar: Guy dressed as Santa goes around the town killing
people. However, the focus isn’t on the killer as much as it is about the
deputy (Jaime King) trying to bring him down. McDowell seems like he has a lot
of fun as the town’s sheriff. Donal Logue has a small role as a smart-assed
traveling Santa, which apparently is a profession.
6.
Wind Chill (2007)
Wind
Chill is probably one of the best horror films set at Christmas you will find.
There are no killers dressed as Santa Claus, no over-the-top bloody
mutilations, no axes or knives although it does use Brenda Lee’s “Rockin’
Around the Christmas Tree” very ominously. So what makes this movie scary? It’s
a psychological thriller that almost literally turns into something else. Emily
Blunt and Ashton Holmes (as “Girl” and “Guy,” respectively) play strangers
sharing a car ride to Delaware from college over Christmas break. By answering
an ad on a public bulletin board, Blunt accepts a drive home from a young man
who knows way more about her than he should. When they turn on a snow-covered
road as a “shortcut”, the two soon find themselves in a situation that finds
them working together to survive, and the snow is the least of their problems.
7.
Any Doctor Who Christmas Special
If Lethal Weapon and Die Hard warned us of staying in L.A. during Christmas, Doctor Who
shares the same trepidation about London. Seriously, the BBC science fiction
series usually has a Christmas episode apart from their usual season run, and
they’re often stand alone episodes so even people who aren’t familiar with the
show shouldn’t feel too lost. You’ll find intrigue, laughs, and even the
occasional good feeling. Past episodes have guest-starred Kylie Minogue, Claire
Skinner, and Michael Gambon.
8.
Bad Santa
Bad Santa is the perfect movie for this
list. A thief and his accomplice (Billy Bob Thornton and Tony Cox) pose as
Santa Claus and his elf helper targeting department stores during the holidays.
Everything goes well until their latest mark’s security guard suspects them of
their plan. Hilarious and definitely not for kids. Check out the unrated
version, which the DVD’s cover refers to as Badder
Santa.
9.
Trading Places
Eddie
Murphy’s second film is a modern spin on the classic Prince and the Pauper theme. Murphy plays a conman who is the
victim of a secret bet between commodities brokers the Duke Brothers (Ralph
Bellamy and Don Ameche) to see if Murphy can be just as successful as brokerage
wunderkind Louis Winthorpe III (Dan Aykroyd).
Soon Winthorpe finds out what has happened, and then things really get good.
Although this film is set during Christmas it climaxes over New Year’s, and the
New Year party aboard the train with Murphy, Aykroyd, and Jamie Lee Curtis in
disguises to fool a Duke Brothers spy (Paul Gleason) is not to be missed!
Definitely one of the best films of the 80s.
10. A Christmas Story
Okay,
this may be a somewhat traditional Christmas movie, but you gotta love this
story of little Ralphie, who only wants an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range
model air rifle. This movie has it all: the Triple-Dog Dare, the Little Orphan
Annie Secret Decoder Ring, the fishnet stocking leg lamp (“It’s a major
award!”), and the trip to see Santa. The movie is based on the novel In God We Trust, All Others Pay Cash by
Jean Shepherd, who narrates the film as Ralphie as an adult, and also has a
cameo as a father waiting in the line for Santa who tells Ralphie “the line
ends here. It begins there.” Definitely
a movie to watch during the holidays even if you don’t like Christmas.
